Such a bump, that shakes my head, a big trouble, a worry that lifts me up unknowingly. I might be unconscious but too uncaring to take such particular move to discard immediate behavior.
Am I too careful or too safe guarding to myself. Am I too judgemental, bossy that demands acting to be appropriate or I'm too careful to make mistakes that makes my actions to displaced blame to other person. Am I too realist and perfectionist that I want balance that I'm disturbing their will to choose. That I'm controlling their words and actions that makes me a villain, not a friend.Did I really want to hear them speak, Did I really want them to be independent. Did I grab their integrity, their opinions, their decisions in life. Did I expected too much in return? I believe all the answers is "Yes", and it threatens my personality because I know in fact that denial, pity , grief, insecurity and inferiority are qualities that kills me slowly. That I'm turning againts myself and to other's that makes me so weak, while, hiding to a edifice mode that I'm brave that I can handle all.
But, in reality. I'm too weak, full of fear and it worries me a lot. It worsens daily that I don't even recognized. I guess, it really knocks me. i don't know how to move. Now, I'm back to my old shell, powerless, so inferior and lost.
That I don't know where to run, how to walked again, to stand and stroll and to face people in my world. Cycles repeats it's phase until now I have not learned. I shouldn't have, but, It breaks again. But, how can I move. I guess, my heart will dictates the true inner me, as the holy spirit and Jesus Unconditional Love and goodness regains my ownself. Be Back in his arms and there will be peace in my heart, in my mind and my whole personality. As I gain confidence and hope in him, that he will mold me the way it should be. I need to trust him and put all my faith in his arms, so everything on his hands and all his plans will be made accordingly at the right time at the right place.
Date Written:February 28,2007
